Dating can be exciting. You meet someone you enjoy talking to, you discover shared interests, laugh together, and perhaps begin imagining what life could look like as a couple. But for Christians who view marriage as a serious lifelong commitment, dating should involve more than simply discovering whether you enjoy each other’s company.
At some point, the conversation has to move from “Do I like you?” to “Could we build a life together?”
Here are some important topics to discuss.
What does marriage mean to you?
People can use the word “marriage” while imagining completely different things.
For one person, marriage may mean having a best friend and building a peaceful home. For another, it may mean starting a family as soon as possible. Someone else may place greater emphasis on companionship, ministry, financial stability, or creating a particular lifestyle.
Ask questions such as:
- What does a happy marriage look like to you?
- What do you believe makes a marriage last?
- What are your expectations of a husband or wife?
- What kind of home do you hope to build?
- What does being a lifelong marriage partner mean to you?
The goal isn’t to find someone who gives exactly the same answers as you. The goal is to understand each other’s expectations before making a serious commitment.
How important is your relationship with Jehovah?
For worshippers Jehovah, spirituality isn’t simply another lifestyle preference. It can influence decisions about marriage, family, priorities, friendships, entertainment, finances, and how conflicts are handled.
Instead of simply asking, “Are you spiritual?”, have deeper conversations.
For example:
- What place does Jehovah have in your daily life?
- How important are meetings, personal study, prayer, and ministry to you?
- What spiritual goals do you have?
- How would you want spirituality to be reflected in our home?
- How would you encourage your spouse spiritually?
It is also important to look beyond what someone says. Over time, observe whether their actions are consistent with their words.
What are your expectations about family and children?
This is one conversation you shouldn’t postpone indefinitely.
Wanting children or not wanting children can significantly affect a marriage. So can differences about the timing of children, parenting responsibilities, discipline, education, and family involvement.
Discuss questions such as:
- Do you want children?
- If so, how many?
- What kind of parent do you hope to be?
- How would responsibilities be divided?
- What role would extended family play?
- What values would you want to teach your children?
You don’t need to solve every parenting question while dating. But major differences should not be ignored simply because the relationship feels good.
What does communication look like to you?
Two people can love each other and still have very different communication styles.
One person may want to discuss an issue immediately. Another may need time to process their feelings. One person may communicate frequently throughout the day, while another may be comfortable with less frequent communication.
Talk about what you need to feel heard and respected.
Ask:
- When you’re upset, how do you normally communicate?
- What makes you feel appreciated?
- How do you prefer to resolve disagreements?
- What would make you feel neglected in a marriage?
Pay attention not only to the answers but also to how the person communicates with you during disagreements.
How will we handle disagreements?
Marriage doesn’t mean never disagreeing. It means learning how to deal with disagreements without destroying the relationship.
Before marriage, observe how someone behaves when they don’t get their way.
- Do they listen?
- Can they apologize?
- Can they admit when they’re wrong?
- Do they become insulting or threatening?
- Do they give the silent treatment?
- Do they try to understand your perspective?
These observations can tell you much more than romantic words.
A useful question to discuss while dating is:
When we strongly disagree about something, what do you think a respectful solution should look like?
What are your expectations about roles and responsibilities?
Don’t assume that your partner automatically shares your expectations about household responsibilities.
Discuss cooking, cleaning, work, errands, finances, caring for children, hosting guests, supporting one another, and making major decisions.
You can even ask:
What did you see in your parents’ marriage that you would like to repeat?
And:
What did you see that you would want to do differently?
Our experiences growing up can strongly influence what we consider “normal” in marriage.
What boundaries do you have with family and friends?
Marriage joins two people, but extended family and friendships can still play a major role.
Discuss how much involvement parents and relatives should have in your marriage. Talk about privacy, visits, holidays, financial assistance to family members, and how you would handle a situation where a relative creates tension.
A healthy conversation might sound like:
If we have a disagreement, how much of our private relationship should we share with other people?
This can help establish expectations before problems arise.
Take Your Time
One of the benefits of dating intentionally is that you don’t have to discover everything at once.
Let conversations happen naturally. Ask questions. Listen carefully. Observe behavior. Discuss difficult subjects respectfully. Give each other enough time to see whether words and actions match.
And remember: compatibility isn’t about finding someone who agrees with you about everything. It’s about understanding the important things that will shape your life together and determining whether you can genuinely move forward with shared values and mutual respect.
Marriage is a beautiful commitment, but it deserves thoughtful preparation.
So while you’re falling in love, don’t forget to ask the questions that will help you understand the person you’re potentially building a life with.